Phew...

Thanksgiving turned out to be not so bad. Luckily for me, our friend brought her new boyfriend, so the focus was mainly on them. She is actually the only one that even asked me about the ex. I kept my answers short and sweet because it wasn't really something I wanted to get into.

I think the hardest thing for me was that it was just a year ago that I was so in love and so happy with the idea of spending my life with someone who had been so good to me for twelve years. But, it was just that...and idea. I should have stuck with my guns and kept him at a distance as just my friend. I did that for years while he tried so hard to be with me. Looks like he was wrong, and we weren't meant for anything more. What do we have now? Nothing. He never even talks to me anymore since he broke it off. I don't understand it myself since I never did anything but love him. I never once did anything to hurt him. I gave up my life for him. He is the only man in this world I trusted enough to do that for, and it was there that I was wrong.

I'm moving on with my life now. I'm seeing someone who is really amazing. Thing is...he and I are in the same boat. We've both been hurt really bad, and so we are both nervous about having our hearts broken again. I truly want to win this man over, though. I can't promise him that I'll never hurt him, but he can't promise me that either. All I can do is be me, and try my best to show him that I care. This past weekend with him was so great. Everything about it, and I'm missing him now when I'm not with him.

Last night I dreamt about him. It wasn't the usual type of dream that I have about him, though. It was one of those dreams that feels so real at the time, and then you wake up dissappointed that it wasn't real. That dissappointment made me realize something. I'm starting to have feelings for him. I woke up wanting so badly for that dream to be real.

Well, unfortunately for me, I have to work today unlike most people. Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

Unhappy Holidays

It's that time of year again. The holidays. A time of joy, a time of thanking, and of giving. A time for families to come together to celebrate and share stories of the year behind us. A time for them to interrogate me about my love life because I'm yet again single and still have no children.

This year will be filled with pity and a million questions about my most recent failure. Leave it to family to make you feel like a failure and fill you with self doubt and loathing. To say the least, I'm not looking forward to the holidays especially this year. As it is...today would have been a year for Dave and me. Now I'll be expected to explain to everyone why I failed at a relationship with my best friend of 12 years. That alone makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.

This is going to be a very difficult holiday season.

Can't Sleep

Don't you just hate nights when you can't sleep? I'm having one of those nights. It's one where my body is saying yes yes yes to sleep, but my mind just says no. It's the worst. Just thinking about anything and everything that is going on in my life I guess.

Will I get the full time job I'm going for? Will I be able to save enough money to move by April? I can't stand this boring place that I live. Does the guy I really want to be with want to be with me? Or more...will he ever want to be exclusive? So many thoughts crammed in this brain.

As much as I like being more spontaneous about life and not planning, I know what I want. I want to work full time, to move back to civilization, and the guy I've been seeing. Is that too much to ask? Especially after moving back across the country to come back to nothing. I want my life back. I want to be happy and I think I deserve it. So far the things that make me happiest are my new car, and the great guy I've been seeing. Now, if I can only get the other two things I want and get Mr. Awesome to see me exclusively, I'll be all set.

Okay...not sure how much sense any of that makes since it's about 1:30 in the morning. But, those are my thoughts for the evening.

What a great line...

One time in my history I hung out with this guy who had a girlfriend. He and I were just friends. Likely story. It was during one of my single periods and he asked me to come over hang out, drink wine, and watch some movies. Okay...I know what you are thinking. We actually did just that, and I crashed at his place. No...nothing happened that night. Of course at that point I didn't know the guy had a girlfriend either. He's just a cool person to hang out with.

Now, I knew this guy wasn't happy with his girlfriend. He'd been on and off with her for a while, and I never asked the question why. I finally did, and it was an interesting conversation to say the very least. I won't get into details just in case, but all I can say is wow. It's funny how some of my guy friends, who have girlfriends, suddenly are unhappy with them when I am around. I don't know if it's because they want someone who will listen to them vent and not judge them, or if it's that they have this underlying interest in me that they are hinting at. At any rate...I'm usually the girl friend who gets to be the advice giver to the guys.

I ended up hanging out with this guy again down the road, and yes he was still with the girlfriend. Of course, being me, I made it a point to keep pointing that fact out. Especially after he started trying to be intimate with me after I crashed at his place again. Of course what doesn't help is that I was highly attracted to this guy, so what do I care...I mean really. So, eventually I gave into some serious temptation.

After all was said and done, we decided to go get something to eat. He tells me he is going to take a shower. I said, "lucky you." He then offered for me to take a shower also, but I really didn't NEED one at that point because I was going home after food anyway. And this is where the best line of my life came out of my mouth. I didn't plan it...it just came out...

I said, "That's okay, I'll wash your indiscretion off of me when I get home."

My life today...

Friday morning at 7:17 my new little nephew was born. Nathan Edward 8lbs 9ozs. My poor sister does not have small babies. It's amazing seeing such a little person again. I'm up to six nieces and nephews and I'm myself childless. Which I am not complaining about because I can give the little ones back at the end of the day and lock myself in my room for some peace and quiet.

I have this bizarre idea of 1. being married before I have children and 2. being at least 30. So far I've done a good job holding to my plan since I'm now only a few months from being 28 and still not married and still have no children. I mean who knows...maybe I'll never have any. Either way I won't be dissappointed. There is always world travel.

Honestly, at this point in my life...I don't know what is going to happen down the road. I don't have any plans, and don't plan on making any. See, I've had this problem with planning things and always ending up dissappointed. So, I figure if I don't plan, I can no longer be dissappointed. Not to say I can't get hurt because I'm sure that can still happen, but I can't be dissappointed because I won't have any expectations either way.